Dear World,
For the first time in a long time, I feel like the person that I love is actually gone. Not that she's physically gone but the girl I fell in love with is gone. The person I live with now is nothing more than a stranger, a passing spirit, someone I don't care about. Today it hit me, how much I really don't care about her anymore. The girl that I love is no longer here, and I can never have her back. The person I spent the night with is boring and uninteresting. She doesn't care about anyone but herself and she spends the whole evening going on and on about her work. Like is there a minute where you stop and ask hey Jansen how was your day? and even if I start talking about my day she just cuts me off to talk about her work. Like to be real, i'll listen to you and be polite but your work has no interest to me, honestly I feel like your work has made you the worst possible scum on this planet. Since you started working at that stupid park, you have become greedy, selfish, and that place just consumes your soul. You are no longer the fun loving person I once knew. Even though you're younger than me, to me you're old and you're wasting your life away.
My youthful spirit is still here and I can't spend it chasing after someone like you. I want someone full of life and energy, when we go to the park I want us to play and explore. But all you do is fall asleep and want to sit down! I want someone who will talk to me and listen to all the things in this world that inspire me and take a toll on my emotions. In this world I am a storyteller, and I want to talk and tell stories but with you I just can't do that anymore. You used to be that person, someone who was kind and full of spirit, but to me you're just a puppet to the vicious economy, you're taken by these adults who may be great but they are taking away your youth.You always say that you only get to be young once, and you're right. I'm going to be young and have fun with all the wonderful people in this world, you can wither away at your life stealing job and be with your older male friends.
As much as I wish you were still here, you're not. I was finally ready to give you my everything, but it was too late for you to take it from me. I was ready to stop being a hermit and go out there and be in love with the world. Ready to dance and sing, and ready to explore, I was ready to take you on Jansen's Great Adventure! But you've outgrown me, you know if you never started working at that shit hole park I think we could have been happy together. You were or at least seemed happy before then, but I guess you're "happy" now. I really wish we could still be best friends/lovers, but i'm not ready for that, I don't know if i'll ever be. I don't know if I could ever love someone like you again, someone as insensitive as you are.
Thanks for moving your trip to another day so you can go to formal with me. That was sweet sorry for getting so mad at you. But the reason I was upset, and this isn't to defend myself this is a record keeper of my feelings. I was upset because you said "hm, You would be like super mad at me right." OF FUCKING COURSE I WOULD BE MAD! Why do you even need to ask? Why do you even have to consider not going to formal with me? I asked you and you said yes, we've been planning it, why do you have to even consider flaking out on me. This falls under the insensitive thing... I'm not the most considerate and nicest person in this whole world but at least I give a damn about people and there feelings.
Today you told me you understand why people cheat when they're in relationships, but in marriage it's wrong. Because if you don't cheat it's like you could be missing an opportunity or a chance at something better. Fuck that. When I ask a girl to be my girlfriend, I am committing myself to them & I would never break that for anything in the world. While I was with you there have been weird "Opportunities" to cheat on you all the time, but when shit got weird I got out because I could never do that to you. I may have not been the best boyfriend but I was always loyal to you. I was always there for you, and I always wanted the best for you. So tonight after all that I have said here I say farewell.
Farewell to the best girl in the world. She was my best friend in the whole world, and I could tell her everything. I could tell her about the gossip, about the stories that were influencing my life, and all of my problems. Always someone who would go anywhere with me, oh i'll totally miss that, whatever I needed I always had company. Someone who would watch me play great games or play fun games with me, I miss playing Speed with you! Someone to watch anything with, whatever I wanted we would watch it, even My Little Pony or One Piece. Someone to give me walrus hugs, that was the cutest thing in the world. Someone who could talk to about my dreams! I remember telling you about all the crazy and funny dreams I had. Someone to dress me up and make sure I was always looking flyyy~ Someone who encouraged me to be my best and helped me stay on top of everything. Someone who inspired me appreciate true love, because I truly loved you. As much as I still love you, I can't anymore, at least not the person who I see now. fuck i'm actually tearing up right now. I guess i'm the bigger hopeless romantic after all.
I used to have the mentality that you & i, was just temporary. That eventually I would move to California and start a new life, that marriage and kids was something I never believed in. I guess i'm growing up a little too, because since FIND Dialogue 2014, all I wanted was to marry you. I never said anything because I wasn't sure yet but that conference really inspired me to get my life together. When I thought about what I wanted for my future, I saw you standing next to me. That no matter where we go in this world, we would have each other to lean on. I really counted on you, but you really dropped me like an...anchor? yeah an anchor. I wrote on my personal anthem "I want to do everything I dreamed of and be the best at it." At the time I was dreaming of having a real future, one with a real job and a real family. I was scared of it, because the thought of all that was something I was against all my life but all of a sudden I wanted more? I was terrified of my own dreams. But i've accepted them and I want to be a hero, a hero to a little boy that will call me dad one day. I wish you would be my partner in this adventure called family but it's okay. Sorry I wasn't honest with you earlier, sorry I didn't realize it all earlier, sorry I fell out of love with you. Maybe one day we'll find ourselves in love with us all over again, maybe not. But right now I deserve someone who can handle all the love I need to give and all the energy and spirit I let off. Because let me tell you, i'm a fucking hand-full & I have lots of life to live! Till next time, you silly Pretzel.
P.S. Even if I needed one million energy of hours & 5 burning buildings to fix our relationship, I would have done it because I cherished us and I would totally rush into 6 burning buildings if it meant saving you. YOOOOO I would look so dope kicking down a door and holding you my arms like a godlam princess. Would you find the ash all over my body hawt....get it... HOT.... BECAUSE I WAS IN A FIRE....HAHAHAHAHA god if you read this you would so kill me. Readers, she hates puns. But she loves Lavender.... lmfao insider joke. Why am I writing jokes for someone who isn't reading this! Frick! okay last one, Timeflies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.... hah. OKAY BYE.
